Went NTU talk in the morning to find out more about the courses offered and short listed a few which interest me. There are many speculations about the date of release of A level results and it's making me kind of nervous because i'm not confident about my performance this time round as compared to O level. Telling myself, 'i'm fine, i'm fine' just having some flu, sore throat and cough. This stubborn cough just refuse to go away, sometimes i feel like coughing out my whole lungs. Thank god i didn't, but i did vomit digusting bile juices plus some half-digested food earlier on. Having some moderately high level of burns on my shoulders, which i hate. Okay, so i'm really not totally that fine..
I'm currently in a very complex state. Having some unhappiness and internal conflicts within myself that i can't vent them and i don't know how. I can't post it here because people i don't want them to know might be reading. This blog is not personal at all, i still prefer the old way of keeping diaries.
I'm so vexed.
Vexed about my result, about why people are behaving like this, about why i can't make myself to accomodate with others. I wanted to find out answers from people but issues are so sensitive that i don't even know how to go about discussing. Everything is so fragile, i'm afraid once i break the silence, it's irrevocable. But i don't feel comfortable for not being able to behave like myself. I don't feel comfortable for not being able to be direct with others. I can't stand people who are indecisive, who beat around the bush, who drops hint in conversation (whether deliberately or not), who do not have courage to speak. I despise them.
Someday I'M going to find those answers, maybe not upfront. Maybe through someone else who have the answers or who can enlighten me. But doesn't that makes me no difference from those i can't stand. Come to think of it, me too, i don't have the courage to find out those answers. Maybe the one i should despise is ultimately myself.
Probably i should just shut myself up, continue to live in denial, pretend
that everything is fine. Probably to avoid is the best way out.
Feeling tired again, promise i'll be fine after a few days, hopefully. I'll be okay~
Who's the pretty face in that mirror.
Is it.... me?
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