The part of me i hated

Opening up, is not something that comes naturally to me.
It is something that i seldom brought it up to anyone... Anyone including myself.
The thought of letting somebody else to see other vulnerable side of you is even more terribly frightening.

"Stripped off of all your protective covering and having no control of your emotions. "

All along i have been like an emotional blackhole, receiving all i experienced. Without questioning, without confrontation. Instinctively all these feelings generate into my sub-conscious level of emotional reaction. Anger, sadness and disappointments.. I do feel, and like anyone else i respond to how i feel. But i find it hard to verbalise my sudden change in mood, making me looked totally unreasonable and petty. But i know that wasn't the case, I wouldn't want myself to be someone throwing fits over trivial stuff. I know very well the moment i attempt to open-up, everything will come pouring out just like a tilted cup filled to the brim with water. I'll be like talking without making any sense, crying uncontrollably because i can no longer contain; crying because i'm am saying what i'm not intending to say.

"Did i just said something i didn't mean? Will i be understood? Can i be accepted again?"

I just hope that nightmares have its own happy endings.
Not just a nod.
I need a firm grip in my palm, telling me everything's going to be alright.
I need a hug, to hush my fears.
I need assurance, telling me "not another word needs to be spoken, i understood completely."

But i never had the chance to experience that.
I had a nod. A nod.
How cold.
It was the worst response i can ever get.
I felt terrible.
But i simply couldnt explain then, only till today.
I begin to understand the reasons for feeling so terrible.
It was uncertainty.

Perhaps you are not good with words.
Perhaps you are at a lost too.
But i believe there's a lot of things that can be unspoken yet with clarity.

I'm back with my protective coverings,
Albeit occassionally suffocating and tiring, it can at least shield me away.
I never ever want that uncertain feeling again..
Never.

Picture by Hannelore Photography, Quote by Boymeetslove